What is this drivel?

My Own Devices online used to be a a word comic, but it proved too tedious to update, so now it is simply the online version of the poetry chapbook that was published in 2009, plus some extras.

Who writes this drivel?

Beth Mattson is uncomfortable speaking about herself in the first person. She is a poet writing and living in San Francisco. She is 5 feet 8 inches tall. She has blood type O+. She has low blood pressure, averaging 97/72. She wears glasses, prescription -1.75 in each eye. She has men’s size 8 ½ feet, size 32×30 pants and small shirts. She bats Right: BA .372, HR 73, RBI 150, and SLG .863. MLB MVP 2008, 2009, 2010.

May I reproduce this drivel?

Beth Mattson’s work is protected by a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. You can use and adapt the poems, as long as you say that you got it from Beth Mattson, and as long as you share your work with others. You can pin it to your cubicle wall, or photocopy it onto your exam’s first or last page to make it cuter. You can put it on your website and cite Beth Mattson as the author. Basically, as long as you don’t try to sell it as yours, you are fine.

Can I write to the author about this drivel?

I don’t know. CAN you?

May I write to the author about this drivel?

Sure. beth@bethmattson.com

How are you?

Very well, thank you. And your mom?

What did you just say?


Did you just try to call me?


Are you gay?


What is the square root of 196?


What is your social security number?


What is your password at the bank?


How can I be sure that he loves me?

It’s in his kiss.

Where did this bruise come from?

The coffee table.

De donde es Usted?

You say, “Soy de __your place__.” I am coming from your mom’s place.

Does it hurt to get a lip ring?

Not much. Better than an ear. Ears are super sensitive, I think. I would never get one of those pierced.

Are you a boy or girl?

Whichever makes you feel more awkward and me more full of feminism.

What should I do when the zombies come?

Wrong question. There are many things you should do before the zombies come. Train – cardio, weight and martial arts. Stock up – food, water and weapons. Have a plan – train your friends, have walkie-talkies and meeting arrangements. You should own maps and survival gear. You should practice and run through drills in your head all day long, every day.

How often are these questions really asked?

Pretty often, actually.



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