Dear Landlord

January 20, 2011

You charge too much

And don’t fix shit that’s broken.

So meddling monger,

I leave you this token.

No need to wrap it.

It’s all in one lump.

Just look on the carpet,

I took a dump.

What is that Smell?

January 20, 2011

What is that smell?

Is something behind the fridge?

Do I need new shoes?

Do you need new shoes?

Aerosol isn’t helping.

Go get the rose bush.

Bring it in.

Sidewalk Crack

January 20, 2011

Holy shit!

It’s like the Grand Canyon back there!

I almost fell in.

Did anybody see that?



Warm Hands

January 20, 2011

My armpits are warm.

That’s why I stick my hands in there.

Don’t judge me.

I’m not homeless.

Homeless guys are smart.

Computer Virus

January 20, 2011


I didn’t want to work today anyway.

A return to a simpler time.

When people still died of scurvy.

Zen Jerks

January 20, 2011

Take your peaceful demeanor,

And shove it up your ass.

I am pissed.

And you make it worse.

Besides, you’re passive aggressive.

Shut Up

January 20, 2011

Shut up!

Would you just shut up?

I would tell you to shut up,

But it would make you talk more.

The sound of your voice,

Like fresh meat to vultures.

Vacation Days

January 20, 2011

I’d work harder if you gave me more.

I wouldn’t hate life so much if I had more.

Instead, I am going to sleep at my desk.

Like a bloated fish stinking on the shore,

I on your payroll.

Stop Screaming at Me

January 20, 2011

I can see that the light is green.

Now I’m going to slow down.

See how you like them apples.

Yeah, just keep honking.

I can slow down all day.

Road Construction, Detours

January 20, 2011

I think that maybe

The time has come

To pay them more

To finish it all in the middle of the night

Or bludgeon them with their own orange cones.